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Dr. Jekyll

Il Natale Del Programmatore

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A Programmer's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,

The computers were whirring; they never do stop.

The power was on and the temperature right,

In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded,

And memory drums had been carefully loaded;

While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,

The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,

The programmer ran to see what was the matter.

Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,

Forgetting his key in his curious dash.

He stood in the hallway and looked all about,

When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

Then, in the computer room what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;

And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,

Chuckled: 'My name is Santa...the last name is Claus.'

The computer was startled, confused by the name,

Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:

'This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,

And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.'

With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;

It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.

It searched in its memory core, trying to 'think';

Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job,

It said in a voice that was almost a sob:

'Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,

Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,

And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;

But your name and your address (computers can't lie),

Are things that I just cannot identify.

You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,

That shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly;

My scanners can see you, but still I insist,

Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!'

Old Santa just chuckled a merry 'ho, ho',

And sat down to type out a quick word or so.

The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,

As Santa fed this 'data' to the machine:

'Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;

The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;

But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;

Too bad your programmers forgot about me.'

Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,

"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug.

A Software Programmer's Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

not a widget would function

not even a mouse

You would say “restart”

but you don't think they'd care

because they know it's the holidays

and you'll soon be there

They were probably sleeping all smug in their beds

While palms, printers, and ipods danced in their heads

It was most likely a Saturday in sweats and a cap

When they went to the Best Buy and bought all this crap

You can see it in your head, almost hear the chatter

“We can call you-know who, they'll know what's the matter”

“They set up my printer and updated Flash”

“Emptied temp folders and cleaned out my Cache”

“Defragged my harddrive when it started too slow”

“Installed Illustrator on my Mac Book Pro”

“We're having troubles, but the solution is clear”

“We'll ask them to fix it, just like last year”

You will take a look, but you warn t'will be quick

You'll check out the cables, perhaps a few clicks

and just when you thought compatibility was to blame

you learned the drivers for Vista and XP were exactly the same

So you added ClamWin and cancelled their Norton

Because you have your beliefs and open source is important

You can hear the sound of good times in the hall

While you sit at their PC egg nog and all

Then you roll your eyes and look at the sky

when you realize those kids down at Best Buy

Made a big gaffe, no, rather, a goof

when giving them hardware did not ask for proof

That their systems could handle a graphic heavy UI

So their desktop did slow, nary did die

You thought “This is crazy would it be so hard?”

“To give them an upgraded video card?”

Triumphant you emerge hands rubbing your eyes

You hadn't worked this late since last release nigh'

The irony to the story you can't help but wonder

How they confused you for a tech, an obvious blunder

You always did tell them “I write applications”

Not “I troubleshoot and fix employee workstations”

But it's Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever the party

and you're not going to quibble about something foolhardy

So when your friends and family make their demands

Throwing their keyboards in your tired hands

Remember you love them, put your working knowledge to use

Because it's only one time each year you tolerate this abuse

‘Twas the night before implementation

T ‘was the nite before implementation and all through the house,

Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,

With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).

Her resume glowed with experience so rare,

She turned out great code with a bit-pusher’s flair.

More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,

And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!

On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!

Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,

From weekends and nites in front of a screen.

A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,

Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying her finger upon the “ENTER” key,

The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;

The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,

With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,

The users’ last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,

“It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”

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